Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Words I would die to use in Conversations…..

October 3, 2013 Leave a comment

WordsThe dictionary is filled with strange and wonderful words that are scandalously underused. Open at any page and you’re likely to find a gem glistening in the corner, whether it’s gongoozle (to stare idly at a watercourse and do nothing) or zwodder (a feeling of drowsiness). We see it, and think to ourselves that we absolutely must use it in conversation. But by the time that you actually see someone staring idly at a watercourse and doing nothing, you can’t quite remember what the word was, and of course you’ll never be able to find it again. It’s lost, hidden away among the much more boring words. Why do dictionaries insist on defining words like “and”. And why do they have to be arranged alphabetically?

We all have moments when we’re lost for words, or when we struggle to describe the-little-plastic-bits-on-the-end-of-your-shoelaces (anglets), but it’s usually too much of a hassle to run off and read through all 18 volumes of “the Oxford English Dictionary” searching for just the right term. There was a guy recently who read the whole thing cover to eighteenth cover, but it took him a whole year, and if you did that every time you were looking for the right word, you might come back to find that the conversation had moved on.

That’s why I decided to pick out all the best and most useful unused words in the dictionary and put them in a book. But I wasn’t going to arrange it alphabetically. I decided to arrange them by the hour of the day when they might be useful. So antejentacular (before breakfast) is in the chapter for 7 AM, and curtain lecture (a telling-off given by a wife to her husband in bed) is saved until midnight. Ultracrepidarian (giving opinions on a subject you know nothing about) is saved for office hours, and gymnologising (having an argument in the nude) isn’t.

In the end, I found myself describing a complete day, but a day based around the finest words in the dictionary. That was my rule: they all had to have been recorded in at least one English dictionary. These words are beautiful. They remind us of why English is the greatest language on earth. They tell us stories about lost worlds. They make us laugh and sometimes shock us. But most importantly, they deserve to be brought back. They’re all still usable. Some of them are nearly new, with just a few citations on the clock. So come on, expand your word power. Here are ten beauties to get you going.

Quomodocunquizing is “making money in any way that you can”. It’s almost the same as the modern word “hustling” except without any of the gangster-ish overtones. It’s listed in the Oxford English Dictionary, but they only have one recorded use of it from 1652 where the Scotsman Thomas Urquhart complained about “Those quomodocunquizing clusterfists and rapacious varlets.”

A whiffler is somebody who walks in front of you through a crowd, waving a chain or an axe in order to clear your path. Back in Medieval times kings and aristocrats would have whifflers to walk through the town square in front of them pushing away any peasants who might have got in the Royal Way. However, I think that whifflers could make a comeback. They could hire themselves out in busy airports and shopping malls and blast your way through.

Mind you, whiffler can also mean “a smoker of tobacco”.

Though the words in “The Horologicon” are all old or strange, it’s amazing how easy they are to use, and how people understand you straight away. To smicker is to “look amorously after somebody.” It’s one of those wonderful words whose meaning is obvious the second you use it in the right context. “Stop smickering at that woman! It’s so embarrassing.” Or “Why is Brad ignoring me? I spent hours on this hair-do and not even a smicker.”

It’s a lovely little detail of anatomy that the muscles used to move your eyes sideways are called the amatorial muscles, because they’re the ones that you use to give amorous glances.

Deipnophobia is “a morbid fear of dinner parties.” We all have it occasionally, especially when the in-laws are involved. The Oxford English Dictionary lists it alongside deipnodiplomatic, which means “inviting people round to dinner in order to patch up an argument.” They both come from the Ancient Greek deipnon, which just meant dinner. But one of the joys of the hidden corners of the dictionary is all the words that English has constructed from ancient languages. The next entry is for deipnosophist, which is “somebody who talks wisely over dinner.”

Uhtceare is an Old English word for “waking up before dawn and not being able to get back to sleep because you’re worried about something.” Uht (pronounced oot) was the hour before sunrise and ceare is the same as the modern English care. Sometimes the joy of discovering a strange word is the realisation that other people have experienced that. It’s not just me who lies there waiting for the alarm clock. People have been suffering from uhtceare for over a thousand years.

Sometimes a word tells you about a time and a place that’s gone forever. Sprunt is an old Scottish word meaning “to chase girls around among the haystacks after dark.” It’s recorded in an old dictionary of the dialect of the Roxburgh, but it tells you so much about what Roxburgh must have been like. Imagine a time and a place where chasing girls around among the haystacks after dark was such a common activity that people said “We need a single-syllable word for this.” It beats staycationing any day.

Going to Siege
People can never say what they mean, especially when it comes to the bathroom. The English language is full of strange ways of telling people that you’re off to fulfill the needs of nature. In the eighteenth century people talked of “taking a voyage to the Spice Islands,” in the nineteenth century gentlemen would “ease themselves.” but back in Medieval times a knight would tell people that he was “Going to siege.” There’s something so poetic about it, so military and noble! But it also firmly implies a dose of constipation.

To fudgel is an eighteenth-century term meaning “Pretending to work when you’re not actually doing anything at all.” Modern offices are full of it, largely because when somebody is staring intently at a computer screen and typing it’s hard to tell whether they’re busily putting together this year’s accounts or busily updating their Facebook status or buying something on eBay. “Stop fudgelling” should be the catchphrase of every efficient office manager.

A Wheady Mile
The wheady mile is the last mile or so of a journey that, for some reason, seems to take much longer than it should. It’s an old dialect term from rural Shropshire, but it still applies to modern journeys. It feels as though you’re about to walk through your own front door and collapse into a chair, but instead there’s still the twists and turns and then, even when the wheady mile is complete, you’ve got to find somewhere to park the car. Mind you, a wheady mile is better than a Pisgah sight, which is when, like Moses on Mount Pisgah looking at the Promised Land, you can see something whilst knowing that you’ll never get there.

To groke is an old Scots term meaning “to look at somebody while they’re eating in the hope that they’ll give you some of their food.” Originally, the term was only applied to dogs, and any dog owner will know that look of plaintive groking that comes whenever you’re eating sausages. But groking can be applied to humans as well. Just try opening a box of chocolates in any modern workplace and watch as your co-workers come by to groke and ask you how you are.

If you’re finifugal you’re afraid of finishing anything and… Oh God… I can’t… I can’t.

I Wonder Why….

August 25, 2013 2 comments

vladimirputin-scratching-tbiWhy the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why you don’t ever see the headline: “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why you have to click on “Start” to stop ‘Windows’?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why there isn’t mouse flavoured cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a “new & improved” flavor?

Why people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why your Obstetrician or GynBush OCnfusedaecologist leaves the room when you get undressed – if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why Goofy stands erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport “a terminal” if flying is supposedly so safe?

Who the first first person was to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Obama OCnfusedWho the first person was that said, “See that chicken there, I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum?”

Why the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

What do you call male ballerinas?

If blind people can see their dreams? Do they dream??

That if Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes frojamesm electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why the “Alphabet Song” and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s on the outside of your ass?

Why it is when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

How come we put a man on the moon before realising it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?

Why brain cells come and brsarkozyain cells go, but fat cells are forever?

How important someone has to be before they can be ‘assassinated’ rather than just plain ‘murdered’?

How come “phonetically” is spelt with a “ph”?

Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?

Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

When you get to heaven / paradise / nirvana, are you stuck wearing whatever you were buried or cremated in forever?

Why people say they “slept like a baby”, when babies normally wake up every two hours?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

How do blind peoplechimp know when they are done wiping?

What would the speed of lightning be if it didn’t zigzag?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

The New Gangnam….PSY new song “Gentleman”

April 16, 2013 Leave a comment

PSY GENTLEMAN COVERThere is something about PSY, the south Korean Rapper that I fail to understand. When his first version of gibberish Gyration came up on YouTube. I saw it and did not find it funny.

The fact that I am not really into Rap or his genre of music had a lot to do with me unable to understand the euphoria around his “Gangnam Style“. I never gave it a second thought. I started to take notice of it when my two year old daughter in her gibberish said “GANGMAN IS MY FAVORITE SONG”, I almost jumped out of my couch and asked her again…”What Song”? She said “GANGMAN STYLE”.

She was two and half something and I thought Barney was her favorite song. While I am still baffled about her choice of music, I never had the courage to ask if  Korean was part of  her playschool education. I played that song on my ipad and she was instantly up, imitating PSY, dance like a horse on acid.

Gangnam Style on YoutubeI initially thought Gangnam Style was just another song; FAD like the Los del Río’s “Macarena” which make me go crazy in the mid 90’s. I was later informed of my ignorance that Gangnam Style had more than 1.5 Billion hits on youTube making it the most watched video in YouTube history. I double checked to ensure it was not Million…

I assured every one that it is still a Fad….may be the biggest till date. It is one song wonder.

Today I write this to accept  “I AM TERRIBLY WRONG”. The group have just launched another of their Songs the “Gentleman” and it is going viral too….As I write it is the new abomination stands at 89,143,242. People love it….and I continue to….hmm lets say…not get emotional about it.

While it not as catchy as the Gangnam Style, Early reviews of Gentleman suggest it might struggle to match the phenomenal success of Gangnam Style. The Independent says the song “is full of puns in Korean” and contains the lines “I am a party mafia!” and the refrain, “I am a mother father gentleman”. The Pop Crush website heard the catchphrase a little differently as: “I’m a mother-f***ing gentleman.”

Anyway for all the  PSYKIANS  check the new Video that you have been waiting for, and for those of you who love intellectual pursuits the original lyrics and its authentic English translation is given below.


Original Lyrics of PSY GENTLEMAN:

Alagamun-lan, weh, wakun, heya, hanun, gon
Alagamun-lan, weh, makun, heya, hanun, gon
Alagamun-lan, ari, gari, hanon, kari, he
Alagamun-lan, we-like, we like party, hey

Ichiba, varriya, is hara moru, mashi sondori, yama, varriya
Yougun, pegi, tur, equa, machen, varriya
Noga, onku, pega, haga, kunge, nande, varriya
Damn girl, you’re so freakin sexy

I-I-I I’m a, I-I-I I’m a
I-I-I I’m a, mother-father-gentleman
I-I-I I’m a, I-I-I I’m a
I-I-I I’m a, mother-father-gentleman
I-I-I I’m a, I-I-I I’m a
I-I-I I’m a, mother-father-gentleman

Alagamun-lan, weh, mikuneya, hana, gon
Alagamun-lan. weh, sikuneya, hana, gon
Alagamun-lan, pali, pali, wasa, nelly, neh
Alagamun-lan, nali, nali, nasa, pali, hee

Ichiba, varaniya, nori, moli, holy, daddy, chunga, ri
Varriya, get feeling, feeling good, brutake
Varriya, gachu, gunya, sorinage, sorinage
Varriya, damn girl, I’mma party, morphine

I-I-I I’m a, I-I-I I’m a
I-I-I I’m a, mother-father-gentleman
I-I-I I’m a, I-I-I I’m a
I-I-I I’m a, mother-father-gentleman
I-I-I I’m a, I-I-I I’m a
I-I-I I’m a, mother-father-gentleman

Gonna make you sweat
Gonna make you wet
You know who I am, west side
Gonna make you sweat
Gonna make you wet

You know who I am, west side
I-I-I I’m a, I-I-I I’m a
I-I-I I’m a, mother-father-gentleman
I-I-I I’m a, I-I-I I’m a
I-I-I I’m a, mother-father-gentleman

I-I-I I’m a, I-I-I I’m a
I-I-I I’m a, mother-father-gentleman


I don’t know if you know why it needs to be hot
I don’t know if you know why it needs to be clean
I don’t know if you know, it’ll be a problem if you’re confused
I don’t know if you know but we like, we we we like to party

Hey there
If I’m going to introduce myself
I’m a cool guy with courage, spirit and craziness
What you wanna hear, what you wanna do is me
Damn! Girl! You so freakin sexy!

Ah Ah Ah Ah I’m a…
Ah Ah Ah Ah I’m a…
Ah Ah Ah Ah I’m a mother father gentleman
Ah Ah Ah Ah I’m a…
Ah Ah Ah Ah I’m a…
Ah Ah Ah Ah I’m a mother father gentleman

I’m a, ah I’m a
I’m a mother father gentleman
I’m a, ah I’m a
I’m a mother father gentleman
I’m a, ah I’m a
I’m a mother father gentleman

I’m a, ah I’m a
I’m a mother father gentleman
I’m a, ah I’m a
I’m a mother father gentleman
I’m a, ah I’m a
I’m a mother father gentleman

I don’t know if you know why it needs to be smooth
I don’t know if you know why it needs to be sexy
I don’t know if you know darling, hurry and come be crazy
I don’t know if you know, it’s crazy, crazy, hurry up

Hey there
Your head, waist, legs, calves
Good! Feeling feeling? Good! It’s soft
I’ll make you gasp and I’ll make you scream
Damn! Girl! I’m a party mafia!

Ah Ah Ah Ah I’m a…
Ah Ah Ah Ah I’m a…
Ah Ah Ah Ah I’m a mother father gentleman
Ah Ah Ah Ah I’m a…
Ah Ah Ah Ah I’m a…
Ah Ah Ah Ah I’m a mother father gentleman
I’m a, ah I’m a
I’m a mother father gentleman

I’m a, ah I’m a
I’m a mother father gentleman
Gonna make you sweat.
Gonna make you wet
You know who I am Wet PSY

Gonna make you sweat.
Gonna make you wet.
You know who I am
Wet PSY! Wet PSY! Wet PSY! Wet PSY! PSY! PSY! PSY!
Ah I’m a mother father gentleman

I’m a, ah I’m a
I’m a mother father gentleman
I’m a, ah I’m a, I’m a mother father gentleman
Mother father gentleman
Mother father gentleman


FDI Cartoons…

September 16, 2012 1 comment

Kapil Sibal Cartoons

September 15, 2012 Leave a comment

Kapil sibal is one of my favorite when it come to Indian Political cartoons. This is a small compilation of different cartoons of our dear minister that are circulating on the net. Most of these can be attributed to Munjul and satish acharya. I love the works of these too cartoonists.  The credit also goes to all the other wonderful cartoonists whoes works I have compiled here…

So here we go…

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An empty Chair Talking….Clint Eastwood and an Invisible Obama

September 2, 2012 Leave a comment

From dirty harry to crazy harry it did not a lot of time…..

Clint Eastwood,the Hollywood filmmaker who knows all about sticking to the script, turned in a bizarre, unscripted endorsement of Republican Mitt Romney Thursday night.
Standing on the convention stage with an empty chair, Eastwood carried on a sometimes rambling conversation with an imaginary President Barack Obama. The Oscar-winning director of “Unforgiven” and “Million Dollar Baby” criticized Obama for failing to turn the economy around and for wanting to close the Guantanamo Bay prison for terror suspects.

“How do you handle the promises you’ve made? What do you say?” Eastwood asked the imaginary Obama. “I know even some of the people in your party were disappointed you didn’t close Gitmo,” the Guantanamo prison.
“What do you mean `shut up’?” said Eastwood, acting indignant. “I thought it was just because somebody had a stupid idea of trying terrorists in New York City.”

At another point, the 82-year-old Eastwood acted as if he were listening to the imaginary Obama unleash a diatribe against Romney, poking Vice President Joe Biden and letting the convention audience guess what the president said.

“He can’t do that to himself. You’re absolutely crazy!” Eastwood responded. “You’re getting as bad as Biden. Biden is the intellect in the Democratic Party. It’s just kind of a grin with a body behind it.”

Rachel Maddow was at a loss for words on Thursday after Clint Eastwood finished what was largely considered a bizarre and awkward GOP convention appearance.

“I don’t — I don’t — I don’t know what was going on there,” Maddow said, seemingly tongue-tied. “Clint Eastwood is 82 years old and I think that — I don’t know if that’s what was going on there.”

Maddow attempted to recap Eastwood’s speech. “It started off with him clearly off-prompter talking, rambling, about conservatives in Hollywood. He did make one point about the end of the war in Afghanistan and fake interviewed an empty chair as if it was Barack Obama, the President of the United States, swearing at him,” she said.

As Sen. Marco Rubio took the stage to deliver his speech, Maddow continued to react to Eastwood’s remarks.

“That was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen at a political convention in my entire life, and it will be the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen if I live to be 100,” she said. “Here’s Marco Rubio.”

Maddow was not the only journalist to wonder about Eastwood’s comments. Brokaw tweeted that Eastwood became famous as being a man of few words. “As a surprise guest on the Tampa stage he had too many words (I say as a friend),” Brokaw wrote.

After the convention was over, Maddow revisited Eastwood’s speech and said she did not understand why the video introducing Romney, which she described as “very good,” was left out of the prime time hour of coverage so that Eastwood could speak to an empty chair.

“I don’t mean to make light of other things, but I think the Clint Eastwood thing really, seriously blew [the Romney campaign’s] final night, and they’re making light of already, but I cannot believe that it happened,” Maddow said.

Ten Things Women Should Know About Men

August 15, 2012 Leave a comment

Ten Things Women Should Know About Men


1) We’ve secretly been looking at nude photographs of Dame Judy Dench. Well, no, we haven’t actually – but we would if we knew anyone who had some. Oprah too. And that singing bank manager woman from the Halifax advert. It’s not that we fancy them or anything, you understand. We’re not weird, we’re simply curious – we are driven, irresistibly, to seek out knowledge. Knowledge of what women look like. All women. Naked. You know when you try on a really quite seriously alarming top that you have no intention of ever buying? It’s just like that. Just like it.

2) For men, true love is tacit. Mindless sexual hunger buys you quirky little gifts and leaves funny messages on your answering machine and can’t get over how beautiful you look in that dress. But, when love kicks in, the meaningless noise of sexual display stops and a silent, tranquil and deep spiritual calm settles upon us. Your partner lying on the sofa watching TV all evening and not having said more than a dozen sentences to you since last Tuesday is his way of demonstrating he loves you without doubts and is in it for the long haul. We ‘just know’ that this is love and, frankly, are quite hurt if you’re so shallow and drawn to shiny objects that you don’t ‘just know’ it too. An important corollary to this truth is that if your, formally long-torpid, partner starts once again buying flowers and giving you spontaneous, non sequitur hugs in the kitchen then it doesn’t indicate that his love for you has suddenly got a second wind. It indicates he’s sleeping with Debbie from Accounts.

3) Never look in that box of ours in the attic. But never demand we throw it away. That box contains things from our past. Private things. Things we have left behind, but can’t bear to let go of… Oh – and let’s not make an issue of this, OK?

4) At some point during a discussion about care of the children, your partner will say, ‘Well, that’s what my mother did, and we turned out OK.’ Any reply of yours except, ‘Yes’ at this point is as good as pulling the pin out of a grenade and carefully placing it on the table between you. You may criticise a man’s mother as she is today (she is, indeed, statistically likely to be as mad as a hatter). However, you must never criticise her as a mother.

5) We covet your little things. We don’t have all those little things; we have a deodorant and a shaver – that’s it. In the arena of little things, we’ve been royally screwed by Life and the injustice is all the more stinging because your opulence is there for comparison. You have a numberless profusion of little things, all of which lure and fascinate us; our sometimes mocking your spillingly abundant collection of them is, in reality, nothing but simple invidia. Given the opportunity, a man will go through your handbag, dressing table drawer or bathroom cabinet. But we’re not snooping on you, just exploring – through our envious tears – with childlike wonder. You have tiny brushes, twist-up lipsticks and eyelash shapers. You have all kinds of cases that hold pads and colours and foam tipped implements and that click shut satisfyingly. You have things we can’t even work out what they are. We – hollow – go through it all, longing to be filled: men never get over the bitter, bitter resentment they feel because Nature has denied them the right to own a tampon applicator.

6) Don’t ask us to decide, or even give an opinion on, everything. We don’t feel ‘included’, we feel plagued. And, if you really want to annoy us, insist we make a choice when we’ve repeatedly said we don’t care either way… and then ask, ‘Why?’

7) Want appear sexy to men? Really? You’re not going to like it. OK, then… don’t shave your armpits. Out of every ten men, seven won’t care much one way or the other, one will think it thoroughly repellent, and two will find it very attractive and horny indeed. Playing the odds, therefore, it’s best not to shave – medically advisable too, as it happens. Your girl friends, and women in general, will think it’s vile, of course. But then – pfff – when did you ever take more notice of women’s opinions about what’s attractive than you did of men’s, eh?

8) We love gossip. It’s just that we never have any. Every time we try to gossip ourselves, it simply ends up in a conversation about how best to upgrade a hard disk. Please let us listen in on yours.

9) Men, with a minuscule number of exceptions, are not ‘afraid of commitment’. The idea that men generally are ‘afraid of commitment’ is the offspring of a thousand, lazy, uninventive novelists too clueless to do anything but grab a tired, off-the-peg motivation for their hero. If a man doesn’t want to commit, he doesn’t wasn’t to commit to you.

10) If we’re invited to a wedding and we’ve slept with the bride – ever – that’s utterly, utterly, utterly all we think about throughout the entire ceremony.

source :

Categories: Humor
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